The Big Sister I got at 15: A People and Places blog

So, This is where this story starts, at 15. When I was 15 years old, I met my big sister. It was in Hell, better known as High School. I had just moved to a new town and not only was I the new kid but well, this weird person ya'll all know....I was already her. Needless to say, I didn't exactly blend. I was a library aide and a proud one at that.

The annual staff met in the library the same period I was an aide so I got to know most of them well, but one of them stood out. She was pretty, smart, super organized and, for some weird reason, she wanted to be my friend. I was only in the eighth grade and a SENIOR wanted to be my friend. I was too cool for school, or so I thought anyway :haha: Her name was Danci. Little did I know then that we were at the start of a journey that would last the rest of our lives.

That year came and went but slowly we became ingrained in each other's lives. We were always two sides of a coin. She let me tag along in her life and I was always excited to do so. I met her boyfriend at the time, Phillip, and we became friends too. At the time, I didn't talk much. Neither did he. We were both happy to listen to Danci do the talking. I think that's why we got along. Soon, they were married and we shared in that experience together. I was too shy to be in her wedding or even serve so I kept all the little ones entertained. That's kinda always been my place in the family. Yes, by this time, Danci and her family were my family.

Then, I graduated from High School. The only people I was concerned about being there? My parents, Danci, Phillip and the new center of my world, Christian. He wasn't quite a year old yet but my "Kid" was at my Graduation. Danci took so many photos that night but she forgot one thing....the lens cap. It's a wonderful story that makes me smile but I don't need any photos to remember that my sister was there one of the most important days of my life.

Then we all kept getting older. Christian became my world because Danci had been my world and now there was a part of her that I could do the same for that she had done for me. She accepted me for who I was. She made suggestions when I had issues but she didn't seem to hate me when I didn't follow them. She still loved me even when I went my own way. She helped me. I wanted to help others to pay her back for all her kindness.

Then one day, a sad thing happened. The Lord decided he needed the baby we had all been looking forward to and Bryan left us. We were suppose to meet him in a week. Danci had let me go to doctors vists with them, Christian and I had thrown around names like Logan (yes, we wanted to name him after Wolverine) and Romeo (Christian's idea, not mine). We were all excited. So, when Danci called me when I was out shopping with my Da, I expected it to be grand and happy news. It wasn't. Christian was the one to call me at work the next day to tell me. All he could say was, " Miss Amanda, my brother's dead" and all I could say was, "I know, Kid. I know. I'm sorry I can't be there with you". I have to stop for a minute. That was a very sad time. I still cry when I think about what it was like then......Ok, I can see now. I got so mad at Bryan's service because the director wouldn't let me in early. He said "Family Only". I was pissed! What did he mean, "FAMILY ONLY", I was Family. That's when it really hit me that no matter how I felt, I really wasn't family. Not as far as the rest of the world saw it and the rest of the world had to be right, right? Danci was so lost in her grief that she couldn't see that rift forming. I don't blame her. It was just all bad timing. Everything about those few years was bad timing. Danci couldn't talk about how she felt to me and that hurt. Now, looking back on it, I'm not sure she could talk to anyone about it. At the graveside, Danci had organized for the kids to let Balloons go so Bryan could play with them. For the longest time, whenever Christian was with me and he had a balloon, I would get one too and we'd send them to Bryan. Me? I went to Build-A-Bear that day and had a baby puppy named Eli made. It made me feel like I had my own little piece of him to hold on to. I had to figure out my own way to deal with the loss. A stuff puppy I could hug while I cried was the best way I knew how. The only person I told about that for the longest time was Christian. I don't talk about things that upset me. I felt I had no right to be that upset. Danci and Phillip did, but not me. We all should have talked about our grief more, but we never did.


That rift just got a little wider every year. I don't think either of us really noticed, to tell the truth. We just got further and further apart. We understood each other less and less. I was getting older, becoming a grownup, and I felt like Danci didn't see me for who I was. That she still saw the kid I had been. I resented the way she talked to me, like I was an idiot. I could take care of multiple people, myself included, thank you very much. That's how I saw it then. Looking back now, I know everything wasn't about me.


Then time brought another boy into the mix, Eli. Christian and I wanted him to be a Girl the whole time :hahaha: Christian did so I'd have someone to buy Barbies and Dolls for, so I'd stop buy them for myself. And yeah, I wanted a girl for the same reasons but I still planned on buying some for myself too. The whole "one for you, one for me" deal ;) But he was a boy and it was Hot Wheels and Comic Book Heroes again. And I'm ok with that =) Each one of them has their own super hero. I chose Spider-Man for Christian. Christian chose Superman for Bryan and Batman for Eli. And Danci just goes along with that :hahaha: Eli was a departure for Christian. When Christian was little, he would be ok with sitting by myself and playing sometimes. He wanted to be the center of attention but it wasn't really in a loud way. Eli is the Ringmaster of his own circus and that explains it all. I was hurt when Danci didn't make me Eli's Godmother but I realize now, I am more than a Godmother. I am Miss Amanda.


We go a little farther down the road and we get to where we are now. Christian is only two years away from being the same age I was when Danci and I met. 15. So much in that one little number. These last few years have been some tough ones. There have been some long stretches and some heavy loads on this road. We have disagreed, bickered and not understood where the other is coming from. There have been nights I have cried myself to sleep because I just didn't understand what was going wrong between us, why I didn't understand it and why I couldn't fix it. I have sat and wondered when this got so hard, this concept of being friends, of being sisters. I have wondered if I could live without her. I can't. I don't want to.When you become Sisters, your friendship seems to get caught up in other people's lives. People's lives that it shouldn't be attached to. I have always wanted to find ways to pay Danci back for everything she's done for me. Sometimes, it seems like the ways I try backfire. But in the back of my head, I always do those things for one reason: To make my Sister proud of me. When we don't agree, when we don't see eye to eye, it hurts. Because, like every little sister in history, I just want to make my big sister proud. I want her to be proud of what I do and when she doesn't agree, it hurts. But like big sister's do, she sometimes thinks she knows better than I do. That she is older, wiser and knows how "insert situation here" is going to end. Problem is, we are both EXTREMELY hard headed and know what's best :hahaha:


So, that's just part of this story but the most important thing I want to say is this: I have a big sister; a best friend; a soul mate; that I never want to live without. My life is braided into her in the most complicated fashion but I would trade it for anything. I wouldn't trade the arguments; the misunderstandings; the distance; the fun; the talks; the laughs; the advice, the understanding; the love; the friendship of my life for anything else the world could ever offer me. She has been a big part in making me who I am. I will never be able to thank her enough. I hope you read this. I've been honest, so I know you'll understand what I'm trying to say. I Love You, Danci. Always have, Always will. I hope you will put up with me forever. I'm getting better at this life thing =)

If I seem kinda quiet, this explains.........

Older

by Colbie Caillat

Waited all my life for this day to come

I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Wasting no more time
So much to be done
Everything works out
So they say
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Here before my eyes
Many roads ahead
Time for me to choose one way now
If I take a chance
What lies down the road
Feeling so confused
Turned around
On and on
On and on
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go
Life goes on
Over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
Yeah, yeah'

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older
I always thought that I knew where I'd want to go
Now I'm here and I find that I'm still getting colder
It's kinda tough getting older

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of gray and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It's tough getting older 

Mary, Sweet Mary is with Evangeline in the Lost and Found.

So, for those of you who really know me, you know my life revolves around music. I love bands that most people don't know anything about and usually I'm good with that :haha: But this artist and this label deserves more than my selfish need to "be the only one who knows about :insert here: band". In case you are wondering: yep, the blog title is a mash of song titles.


The label is Hackberry Records and the band is Sparrow and The Ghost.



I have my friend, Melanie Brock, to thank for introducing me to this scene. She fell for their music before it was completely formed, when just a few talented local artist were playing acoustic shows in a small coffee house. She invited me and a few people close to me to drive up to Tuscaloosa, Al from Birmingham to hang out with her, her son Gavin, and her niece Tori, for the day. It was a fun day that ended with a show from a multitude of wonderfully musically inclined people and I was In. 


As three individuals, these guys are cool. As a group, Rachel Roberts, Stuart Bond and Reed Watson are amazing. I geek out about bands that I like, even when I know the people as individuals (well, a little at least :haha:) and they all handle it with grace. That makes them officially some of The Coolest Ever. 


They just played SXSW and I can honestly say, I think they could go far. I find myself sing their songs constantly. I can't wait for a full album but until then you can go to Hackberry Records and download The Living Room Sessions for free. Check out the other artist on Hackberry Records while you are there too.


www.hackberryrecords.com
Facebook-Hackberry Records
Facebook-Sparrow and The Ghost
Myspace-Sparrow and The Ghost

"A downward spiral, just a pirouette. Getting worse til there's nothing left. What good comes of something when I'm.........

......Just the ghost of nothing, nothing"

The past is a weird thing. It looks different every time you look back at it. Even more so, if it's a part of the past you haven't taken a good look at in a while. Things trigger my memories. Words, actions, statements and memories of others can set off a chain reaction in my head like there was no "yesterday", like time is infinite and just stacked up, layer after layer after layer.  look back, you realize that things really weren't as one sided as you once thought. That nothing that happens is very totally one person's fault. You start to see all the things that you did wrong. The things you did that lead to the situations that lead to the actions of the other person start to become just a little clearer.

I'm thinking about one certain situation, obviously. Their name got mentioned in a conversation and I started to honestly think about the situation. And this quote from The Rules of Attraction says it all about how I acted. How I always acted.....

"What does that mean 'know me'? Know me!? Nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me."

I should really think about that. How could anyone get close to me, even if I had wanted them to, when that was what I thought. I am more aware of it now. Some days I feel like it's still true. But thinking about the past has made me realize that, in some part, I have made it true. I never gave people a chance to actually get to know me. I've been told my whole life that I'm intimidating. Is that why?  

Elvis ate here......Once.

I'm not always fond of the way people in my state see things but I do Love being from Alabama. I am a proud Southerner. Which, for your information, is different that being a redneck, hillbilly, ect, ect. I am Southern. It's awesome. We, as a collective, are nice people. Unhurried, slow-talking, hard working, sweet tea and Coca-Cola product drinking, music loving People. All in all, we are pretty cool. If you look closely and in all the right places, we are cultured, inventive and artistic too.

One of the things that was awesome about growing up in Alabama is that you are told tales of local lore from your crib. In Alabama, we grow up learning from Jeffery the Ghost. The tales of Alabama ghost, Mississippi ghost and a few other states are spoon feed to us, care of Ms Katherine Tucker Windham. I personally lived in 13 Alabama Ghost and Jeffery when I was a kid. And I mean "Kid", like it was one of the books I "read" before I could read. I've been to a good deal of the locations in the tales. I love it. And I love that there are so many other randomly cool things you can see in My State. Looking for Hitler's typewriter? We got it. Just find the Typewriter Museum in Bessemer, Al. Battleships? Yep. Beaches and Mountains ? Why, yes sir. Cool places to shop? Check. Coon dog cemetery? Double Check. Want hot rolls throwed at your head? We have that too. Wanna sit in the same both Elvis sat in this one time? Lucky you, we have a few of those! Wanna see the Statue of Liberty below the Mason-Dixon line? You can see it from the freeway. Ever wanted to be Mooned by the god of iron? Come to Birmingham! We see it every day. Wanna see what the Civil Rights movement was really all about? We have that sad history that, one can only hope, we have learned from. Want to learn more about German POW camps? We had one Aliceville, Al and they have a museum dedicated to it. I can not even begin to list all the hidden and not-so-hidden treasures Alabama holds. We have so much more than anyone really knows. Maybe your state does too.

Yeah, I complain about the small minded people and close minded ideas but we don't have the market cornered on that. So I should complain a little less and realize I am thankful to live here. If I keep searching out the artistic, the weird, the random and the historic; I might just learn that I love Alabama a little more than I thought.

From the Children's to the Young Adult section: a People and Places blog

I thought long and hard about how it start this series. I decided that starting with the children and young adults who are important in my life. I'll try to keep each section short. No promises though :haha:

Let's start in the Children's section of this library.

Eli~ He's the youngest of the group and the one that's just coming into his own. He's a bright, inquisitive, train-loving little boy. I'm excited about building a relationship with him now that his personality is truly showing. It's a suprise to me that he may end up being the one I have a ton in common with.

Chloe~ Chloe is straight up awesome. She is her own person and she makes no excuses about it. She loves what she loves and will make you like it too. She has Autism but that is not what defines her. Her heart does.

Kayia~ Kayia is the artistic soul. She is a girly girl, nail polish and dresses. She is the cutest bit of trouble in bright glittery colors. Like a living fairy. Life will try to crush her, wings and all. I think she can make it.

Cadence~ I have not gotten a chance to see much of KK lately. I miss her. She's a pop culture princess with the wit of someone twice her age. Her teen years will be crazy.

Which, as everyone knows, leads to the Teen Literature.

Christian~ I can go on about Christian forever so I will leave it all at this : He is My Heart. When he was born, I graduated High School. We started out on these two very different but equally important adventures at the same time. When Danci had Christian, it finally hit my 18 year old brain that there were things more important than me in this world. He teaches me patience. He is the one who always reminds me that it's ok to just by myself. That it will always be enough for the people who truly love me.

Julianne and Roman~ I debated even listing Julianne and Roman here. They have been a big part of my life for so long that I felt the need to list them. Julianne was the princess and Roman was Security. They are a reminder that things don't always go the way you always thought they would.

And we end in the Young Adult section.

Kaycee (Casey)~ What can there be said about Kaycee? She is my half mini-me. So very like me in many way, so very opposite in others. She helped me grow up these last two years. We watch after each other. We have stuck together through some of the harder times. I'm a little louder and more confident now because of her.

The Only Song that gets me through some of the times we all face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohWogCD1vUM

The name of the song is In The Name by Jennifer Knapp. When things get me down, when people put me down for how I am or what I believe....This song is what I sing at the top of my lung in the car. Just Click it^.^

In The Name

by Jennifer Knapp

All these years

too many ahead to think clear.

some say where's my crystal ball.

some men play the lottery

makin bets against the governments economy.

They say I'd rather be rich than be alive at all.

When men in miry circumstances fall.

it won't be hard to tell where they placed their resolve.

Some trust in chariots.

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

To each his own won't lead you home

and prob'ly never will.

I won't trust in the things I do.

they will not stand.

they won't come through.

So I'll trust in the name of the Lord my God...

I'll trust in the name..

Picket fences

may build our defense.

In domestic wars of leisure suits.

That's OK

it doesn't bother me. you can hold onto your philosophy of.

What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, but whats the truth?

When the walls do crumble and they fall.

It won't be hard to tell where we place our resolve.

when the walls do crumble

and what will I find to hold on to.

thats stronger than my Jesus?

Sing hallelujah...

hallelujah..

When the walls do crumble and they fall

It won't be hard to see where we place our resolve.