The Big Sister I got at 15: A People and Places blog

So, This is where this story starts, at 15. When I was 15 years old, I met my big sister. It was in Hell, better known as High School. I had just moved to a new town and not only was I the new kid but well, this weird person ya'll all know....I was already her. Needless to say, I didn't exactly blend. I was a library aide and a proud one at that.

The annual staff met in the library the same period I was an aide so I got to know most of them well, but one of them stood out. She was pretty, smart, super organized and, for some weird reason, she wanted to be my friend. I was only in the eighth grade and a SENIOR wanted to be my friend. I was too cool for school, or so I thought anyway :haha: Her name was Danci. Little did I know then that we were at the start of a journey that would last the rest of our lives.

That year came and went but slowly we became ingrained in each other's lives. We were always two sides of a coin. She let me tag along in her life and I was always excited to do so. I met her boyfriend at the time, Phillip, and we became friends too. At the time, I didn't talk much. Neither did he. We were both happy to listen to Danci do the talking. I think that's why we got along. Soon, they were married and we shared in that experience together. I was too shy to be in her wedding or even serve so I kept all the little ones entertained. That's kinda always been my place in the family. Yes, by this time, Danci and her family were my family.

Then, I graduated from High School. The only people I was concerned about being there? My parents, Danci, Phillip and the new center of my world, Christian. He wasn't quite a year old yet but my "Kid" was at my Graduation. Danci took so many photos that night but she forgot one thing....the lens cap. It's a wonderful story that makes me smile but I don't need any photos to remember that my sister was there one of the most important days of my life.

Then we all kept getting older. Christian became my world because Danci had been my world and now there was a part of her that I could do the same for that she had done for me. She accepted me for who I was. She made suggestions when I had issues but she didn't seem to hate me when I didn't follow them. She still loved me even when I went my own way. She helped me. I wanted to help others to pay her back for all her kindness.

Then one day, a sad thing happened. The Lord decided he needed the baby we had all been looking forward to and Bryan left us. We were suppose to meet him in a week. Danci had let me go to doctors vists with them, Christian and I had thrown around names like Logan (yes, we wanted to name him after Wolverine) and Romeo (Christian's idea, not mine). We were all excited. So, when Danci called me when I was out shopping with my Da, I expected it to be grand and happy news. It wasn't. Christian was the one to call me at work the next day to tell me. All he could say was, " Miss Amanda, my brother's dead" and all I could say was, "I know, Kid. I know. I'm sorry I can't be there with you". I have to stop for a minute. That was a very sad time. I still cry when I think about what it was like then......Ok, I can see now. I got so mad at Bryan's service because the director wouldn't let me in early. He said "Family Only". I was pissed! What did he mean, "FAMILY ONLY", I was Family. That's when it really hit me that no matter how I felt, I really wasn't family. Not as far as the rest of the world saw it and the rest of the world had to be right, right? Danci was so lost in her grief that she couldn't see that rift forming. I don't blame her. It was just all bad timing. Everything about those few years was bad timing. Danci couldn't talk about how she felt to me and that hurt. Now, looking back on it, I'm not sure she could talk to anyone about it. At the graveside, Danci had organized for the kids to let Balloons go so Bryan could play with them. For the longest time, whenever Christian was with me and he had a balloon, I would get one too and we'd send them to Bryan. Me? I went to Build-A-Bear that day and had a baby puppy named Eli made. It made me feel like I had my own little piece of him to hold on to. I had to figure out my own way to deal with the loss. A stuff puppy I could hug while I cried was the best way I knew how. The only person I told about that for the longest time was Christian. I don't talk about things that upset me. I felt I had no right to be that upset. Danci and Phillip did, but not me. We all should have talked about our grief more, but we never did.


That rift just got a little wider every year. I don't think either of us really noticed, to tell the truth. We just got further and further apart. We understood each other less and less. I was getting older, becoming a grownup, and I felt like Danci didn't see me for who I was. That she still saw the kid I had been. I resented the way she talked to me, like I was an idiot. I could take care of multiple people, myself included, thank you very much. That's how I saw it then. Looking back now, I know everything wasn't about me.


Then time brought another boy into the mix, Eli. Christian and I wanted him to be a Girl the whole time :hahaha: Christian did so I'd have someone to buy Barbies and Dolls for, so I'd stop buy them for myself. And yeah, I wanted a girl for the same reasons but I still planned on buying some for myself too. The whole "one for you, one for me" deal ;) But he was a boy and it was Hot Wheels and Comic Book Heroes again. And I'm ok with that =) Each one of them has their own super hero. I chose Spider-Man for Christian. Christian chose Superman for Bryan and Batman for Eli. And Danci just goes along with that :hahaha: Eli was a departure for Christian. When Christian was little, he would be ok with sitting by myself and playing sometimes. He wanted to be the center of attention but it wasn't really in a loud way. Eli is the Ringmaster of his own circus and that explains it all. I was hurt when Danci didn't make me Eli's Godmother but I realize now, I am more than a Godmother. I am Miss Amanda.


We go a little farther down the road and we get to where we are now. Christian is only two years away from being the same age I was when Danci and I met. 15. So much in that one little number. These last few years have been some tough ones. There have been some long stretches and some heavy loads on this road. We have disagreed, bickered and not understood where the other is coming from. There have been nights I have cried myself to sleep because I just didn't understand what was going wrong between us, why I didn't understand it and why I couldn't fix it. I have sat and wondered when this got so hard, this concept of being friends, of being sisters. I have wondered if I could live without her. I can't. I don't want to.When you become Sisters, your friendship seems to get caught up in other people's lives. People's lives that it shouldn't be attached to. I have always wanted to find ways to pay Danci back for everything she's done for me. Sometimes, it seems like the ways I try backfire. But in the back of my head, I always do those things for one reason: To make my Sister proud of me. When we don't agree, when we don't see eye to eye, it hurts. Because, like every little sister in history, I just want to make my big sister proud. I want her to be proud of what I do and when she doesn't agree, it hurts. But like big sister's do, she sometimes thinks she knows better than I do. That she is older, wiser and knows how "insert situation here" is going to end. Problem is, we are both EXTREMELY hard headed and know what's best :hahaha:


So, that's just part of this story but the most important thing I want to say is this: I have a big sister; a best friend; a soul mate; that I never want to live without. My life is braided into her in the most complicated fashion but I would trade it for anything. I wouldn't trade the arguments; the misunderstandings; the distance; the fun; the talks; the laughs; the advice, the understanding; the love; the friendship of my life for anything else the world could ever offer me. She has been a big part in making me who I am. I will never be able to thank her enough. I hope you read this. I've been honest, so I know you'll understand what I'm trying to say. I Love You, Danci. Always have, Always will. I hope you will put up with me forever. I'm getting better at this life thing =)